Farewells, Celebrations and More Career Tips

There is much confusion amongst the dwindlers as to making a conscientious decision to partake in events such as a farewell lunch or a co-workers birthday. When in doubt fall back to this helpful tip. When you arrived on your first day were the same people you are now befuddled about greeting you with that winsome celebratory vigor and good will? If the answer to this is no then why should you feel compelled or conflicted to celebrate their existence or non-existence now? Just be happy they are leaving and regretful if they are staying. Another helpful tip is think about the hypothetical event of your untimely death. Would they attend your funeral or rather look upon your death as a career advancement opportunity? The work place is not about feeling good amongst each other. It should brood spite and animosity that comes with good old competition and of course the good ole boy condition. Though in some departments it is the good ole girl condition. Keep track of what those who work around you are doing and make a point to mind their business so you can tell the boss. Self preservation is the key to a successful career in management. To advance fast always treat others as you would not treat yourself. If they are talking interrupt them and tell them how ridiculous they sound. If they are quiet, coax them into a conversation so you can interrupt them and tell them how ridiculous they sound. Spill coffee on their papers that are on their desk. A true and gutsy maneuver is to just poor coffee directly onto their keyboards. Hide papers that are laying about. If they leave their car keys out take them and go move their car to a tow away zone or at least where they will get a ticket. If they take off their shoes then teach them a lesson about office etiquette and poor something like honey into their shoes. The work place is not a home. It is a place you go to earn money and money is the only reason you show up to that place. With this in mind spare yourself and the other poor sops who join you everyday. If you really want to celebrate, or show some form of appreciation to a co-worker, bring in a bottle of whiskey or tequila and hide it in their desk drawer. Then during a staff meeting or a group water cooler discussion with them toss out that suggestion of taking a shot from the booze they keep in their desk (be sure to take a couple swigs prior to placing in their desk drawer so it appears that they have been using the booze).

CD
To be truly happy always reach for the stars that you will never reach so you at least attain your measly 3% pay increase. It earns me big money.