A Simple Request

Today I, the greatest CEO of all in existence, request a simple thing of you all. It requires very little physical exertion but may cause some to fall ill. However, it is of great importance. Most of you never realize how simple this thing I request of you can have marvelous or dire consequences depending on your actions toward my request. Most do not believe in the consequences of simple connectivity. So here is the simple request.

Think.

CD
Sometimes those that appear to be a gimcracks are.

Quitters

There are many quitters these days in Oregon. Great CEOs never quit. Oregon is a funny place these days. They remind me of Clinton politics which stipulate one must play by the rules until they become disadvantageous then attempt to have the rules changed but under the guise that things are being ameliorated for the greater good. The only thing good about going green for business is the revenue streams are starting to flood with green. These are tremendous CEO leadership initiatives. So is a conflict of interest just a matter where one is in a position of being incapable of being interested in more than one thing at the same time or incapable of having an equal interest in multiple things at the same time? There are prehistoric blades of grass that a now deceased spotted owl crapped on and no one seemed to declare any conflicts of interest. So perhaps this conflict of interest topic about global warming equates to the controversy of the spotted owl. Oregon - leading the cause for change to change things back before change. I hear whales farting.

CD
Sometimes places appear better than they are not.

Be Worthy

James was a great CEO. He had a keen ability to tell if an individual was worthy of membership to the sphincter club. I remember when the board of his corporation admonished him in a memo that was distributed to all shareholders and employees. James had steadfastly held to his mission of cleaning house of inbred elements. Those unwanted epigones of business success. James took the memo and had it matted and set in a beautiful frame and hung it directly behind him where he sat at his desk. Anyone who visited him would see …the memo… as it became to be known. Those he deemed to be …out of touch… were phrased as …they are not worthy to be a sphincter… He labeled the board as such. James died at 47. He laid there on the marble floor of his corporate headquarters lobby. It was a cold Philadelphia winter morning. Just inside the turnstile entryway is where he collapsed. The heart attack had rendered him immobile and he laid there face down with the left side of his face flush against the cold marble floor. It was winter and sunrise was just beginning. As workers entered the building they would step around James and look with concern then continue to the elevators. James could not talk as he laid there conscious of what was occurring. He could not breathe and just needed someone to administer CPR. No one did. When I arrived it was too late. His life was departing. I knelt down to check if he was conscious. Our eyes locked for a long few seconds then I asked him if he could hear me. James muttered and slurred something. I knelt down to place my ear as close to his mouth as possible and asked …what?... I could barely hear his utterance as life escaped through his last words. … They are not worthy… he barely made the audible phrase. Great CEOs never surrender.

CD
Sometimes when I see a worthy sphincter I think of James

Farewells, Celebrations and More Career Tips

There is much confusion amongst the dwindlers as to making a conscientious decision to partake in events such as a farewell lunch or a co-workers birthday. When in doubt fall back to this helpful tip. When you arrived on your first day were the same people you are now befuddled about greeting you with that winsome celebratory vigor and good will? If the answer to this is no then why should you feel compelled or conflicted to celebrate their existence or non-existence now? Just be happy they are leaving and regretful if they are staying. Another helpful tip is think about the hypothetical event of your untimely death. Would they attend your funeral or rather look upon your death as a career advancement opportunity? The work place is not about feeling good amongst each other. It should brood spite and animosity that comes with good old competition and of course the good ole boy condition. Though in some departments it is the good ole girl condition. Keep track of what those who work around you are doing and make a point to mind their business so you can tell the boss. Self preservation is the key to a successful career in management. To advance fast always treat others as you would not treat yourself. If they are talking interrupt them and tell them how ridiculous they sound. If they are quiet, coax them into a conversation so you can interrupt them and tell them how ridiculous they sound. Spill coffee on their papers that are on their desk. A true and gutsy maneuver is to just poor coffee directly onto their keyboards. Hide papers that are laying about. If they leave their car keys out take them and go move their car to a tow away zone or at least where they will get a ticket. If they take off their shoes then teach them a lesson about office etiquette and poor something like honey into their shoes. The work place is not a home. It is a place you go to earn money and money is the only reason you show up to that place. With this in mind spare yourself and the other poor sops who join you everyday. If you really want to celebrate, or show some form of appreciation to a co-worker, bring in a bottle of whiskey or tequila and hide it in their desk drawer. Then during a staff meeting or a group water cooler discussion with them toss out that suggestion of taking a shot from the booze they keep in their desk (be sure to take a couple swigs prior to placing in their desk drawer so it appears that they have been using the booze).

CD
To be truly happy always reach for the stars that you will never reach so you at least attain your measly 3% pay increase. It earns me big money.

Breaking The Glass Ceiling

Get therapy. See your Employee Assistance Program Counselor or your Human Resources Representative for more details. Do not attempt to pick up broken glass by yourself. You may get cut. Bless your heart.

CD
Sometimes those things that appear as obstacles are really just things meant to keep you where you should be.

Green Global Warming

How green is the universe? 750,000 years ago the Earth spun at a different rate of speed, and in a different position upon its axis than it does today. Back then there was a serious global warming similar of what the histrionics clamor about today. A scary being also roamed the Earth back then who is known as one of the earliest ancestors to Al Gore. A prehistoric ass hole.

Though its belly was not as nourished, and facial cheeks not as chubby, the prehistoric ass hole caused a global crisis of manic proportions. The prehistoric ass hole would travel around the globe, in its prehistoric jet, touting green vitals in order to stop the global warming. Because the prehistoric ass hole could not mine gold of his own volition he charged others to bring him gold to keep his level of income in tact. Scientists today now understand that the global warming was caused by unpredictable physic variants in the elements of cross gender solar flares that were the result of the prehistoric ass holes bad breath (the theory of hot air).

As a result of the prehistoric ass hole perpetually preaching convenient lies, the excretions he exhaled began to change weather patterns inside the atmosphere between the two polar caps. Science has since discovered this bad breath syndrome is of a tetrogenic seismiscope mutation which means it passed along to Al Gore himself.

What will be discovered 750,000 years from now is that Al Gore caused global warming simply by living and breathing. Regardless, climate change simply cannot be a culminating and evolutionary cycle of events from cometosis, asteroid activity, sunbursts and solar flares, changes in universal weather, earth quakes, volcano eruptions, human farting (methane expulsion), and intergalactic music festival activity. Simple interplanetary mining of natural resources and the exploitation of those resources towards increased corporate profits has no impact on the universal state of fear that elevates chicken little to the situation we have today of running for president.

750,000 years ago profits were good and cherished even though global warming was developing. Other than that the only difference was there were more happy homeless people back then.

CD
Sometimes when you sleep you wake up.

National Day of Prayer is May 01, 2008

A great day is coming. May 1st will require you all to pray for great leaders such as myself. The United States Congress, by Public Law 100-307, has recognized an annual National Day of Prayer. The second greatest leader of all time, George W. Bush has proclaimed May 01, 2008 as this great day. This is a fantastic campaign to inveigle the masses to endow the majestic ones like me with pure benevolence and personal wealth.

On May 01, 2008 people all over the United States will be joining together to pray for Gods protection and direction for our country and its leaders. This doctrine requires each and every one of you to pray for my safe advancement of our corporate and government exploitation across poor impoverished nations and workers, and especially the lower expectationals, including the complete wealth building exploitation throughout Canada, China, India, Mexico, South America, Europe, Japan, Korea, Australia, and Third World countries like the United States. Employees everywhere need to beg the lord to deliver unto me and that all the riches of the world be bestowed to my bank account. Cash offerings are one of the best ways to please the lord, and anoint your self with a shiny cleansing of that guilt involved with hoarding cash for your own gain. This will allow you to roister in your under-achievements and successful failures.

CD
Usually when I see you I am able to reaffirm that things are really fucked up.

Your Poor Performance

I just want to pass along some great leadership advice and perspective. Do not worry, if you go belly up on your mortgage. You will simply pay a hefty price and get trounced for your poor performance due to the financial corporations irresponsible behavior. They will smite you with severe negative credit scores to your record that will affect you for years to come. However, there is light at the end of the tunnel so do not fret because all is not lost. Your poor performance means somewhere a strong financial institution is recording losses that are building and showing up on their financial reports as humongous losses. This is turn provides their shareholders with terrible returns which trickle up to the CEOs in the form of handsome bonuses in the millions of dollars for your poor performance. See the new economy is working. Try to keep things in perspective. If you still have a job at least you have a job. If you lost your job you are free to explore new opportunities. Regardless you owe a huge thank you to a CEO. If you see a CEO in passing open your wallet and give them all the money you have. Show your appreciation.

CD
Sometimes, when all seems lost, it usually is.

The Hand That Flips The Light Switch (continues)

As I was discussing in my previous conference with myself, when leading maybe you need to look around. See what is there or missing. Perhaps everything is just the way it is suppose to be inside your feeble mind. Breaking ones mind as if it was ones leg or arm is an easy thing to do when you have millions of excuses. What I have discovered as a great CEO is that many amongst the minnows objurgate any thing that is mentioned, moved or treaded upon. Weenies are among us. Let the games begin. The hand reached to the light switch. My heart sunk with dread...

CLICK

Snowflakes can eat each other while in flight but not after cessation of landing on their final resting place for melting. Inside a snowflake are billions of crystals that contain enough solar energy to fill the human brain with molecular gelatin to ease the spreading of peanut butter on 25,000 slices of bread to prevent mold. Human consumption is optional but most likely in colder temperatures. Cell phones can transmit thoughts of numerous snowflakes at once, but unable to receive from celestial satellites beyond our wireless consumption. Margin calls will supersede the Fed recall of interest rates in the commodities sector.

CLICK

What time is it?

CD
Sometimes, you can part the bald spot even when there is no hair on your head.

Listening to Your Great Corporate Leaders During Economic Times of Trouble

As you look around today in your immediate, yet feeble work location, I am certain that most of you will portray your eager and anxious anticipation of that management meeting, where great minds open the dammed mental flood gates that flood your existence with their miasma of intelligence. It is you the captive audience that make the difference. Some of you will play your adolescence immaturity that you never grew out of since some point in your early childhood that you have been “stuck” in forever. Others will feign intellectual superiority. Others just might be on the up and up and toss out a few hooks to lure management off topic. Great leaders never stray or become fooled by such idiocy. Learn your place. Sit upright and worship the ground the pimp that signs your time card walks on like they were the greatest thing since Alexander the Great. The most important thing you can do now, in these times of lower expectational trouble, is fully utilize all of your mental powers and demonstrate without a doubt that you have the same abulia capabilities as any great leader. This will dwell in the towers that ring the bells for you. Maybe even get you noticed for a position in Human Resources. No matter what do not fear, for these are only ivory tower bells that ring for you. As usual, it is just your daydreaming fantasy imagination gone serious. Whatever lights your candles are merely remnants of your inability to retain something new, and should positively remind you that there is a light at the end of the tunnel. It just leads to perpetual astonishment of deserved levels within the organization, be it yourself or your immediate work location. Look around before you cringe. Never let them see you smile. Wince!
CD
Sometimes, when you least expect it, regurgitation just happens. For some, it occurs constantly.

A Message From Corporate Dick's CEO

I take great pride wearing my new Corporate Dick Long Sleeve TShirt using my Corporate Dick Mousepad while enjoying my morning coffee from my Corporate Dick Coffee Mug. I feel at ease, comfortable and safe from those corporate elements that try to invade my elitist thoughts that must be manifested upon the masses. It is at this point I see the hand come around the door jam and feel for the light switch. I know as soon as it is flipped to the on position my thoughts, my critical thoughts, will shuffle amongst the turmoiling and inner chaos that surrounds CEO greatness. The hand searches the wall and finds the light switch. The click of the switch rings like a town criers yell in my mind as I realize the thoughts that will start to transcend through me and interrupt what my cranium is processing at that very moment of occurrence.

CLICK

So the ticker symbol is CEO and the current price is 156 per share with a volume of 230,000,000. Outside the weather is changing and cement is being poured somewhere at a rate equivalent to a mountain creek that forms temporarily from snow melt runoff. Inside the sauna at a health club is someone sitting in a steam room, another in a sauna, another in a hot tub and some are running on treadmills or pretending to be interested in health but only there for the social engagements that need to occur to get laid. Trolly speaks to me but my mind is moving so fast processing thoughts that I do not hear her completely. Simon the finance controller attempts to get my attention but I pay more attention to the bird that just flies by the penthouse windows here at the Corporate Dick Headquarters building. Camera light bulb flashes seem to be going off but I cannot tell and the smell of coffee reminds me to get a refill and re savor using my Executive Corporate Dick Coffee Mug. I see motion over at the light switch and my grey skin returns to its normal state. Taxes are due. The hand flips the light switch to off and my state returns to my previous manner.

CLICK

As I reach all in the critical masses they will begin to feel a joy never felt before. An inner peace that provides elation and realizations that I am the greatest CEO ever. Their funny bones will be overcome with such laughter that... I see the hand motion to the light switch. I beg inside for it to not switch to on. To no avail

CLICK

Looking out to the world through the eyes of a cow I realize I am trapped in a maze of constant chewing. A pick up truck can be heard and the morning dew on the pasture is annoying this time. Trolly speaks to me again but I still pay little attention. The conference room table seems larger than normal today but it feels good to be sitting in my Corporate Dick Chief Executive Chair. The elements of global warming are linked directly to the inversion of the rates of gender specific cancers that are prorated to undeniable positions of polarity across party lines. Coffee consumption will increase as economic times grow worse. Home values are purposely driven to perverted lows to keep the psychological impacts as large as possible. This will provide generous opportunities for the wealthy to gain more wealth, divide the social spectrum to tighter cluster groups, and ignite some tense situations that will continue to instill the false belief that the Major news media and top comedians are one and the same.

CLICK

So it is with this single thought that I hope all will enjoy the wonderful and enlightening products and entertainment that Corporate Dick Inc. provides. We will continue to strive to grow our entertainment content to greatness as our revenue streams grow. Corporate Dick is the most powerful company in the world and you know what we mean!

CLICK

Syphilis is contracted by purchasing power and investment in hedge funds that follow the money. Outsourcing jobs to fourth world countries can return enormous profits of which any female will confess, size does matter. Factors for world peace are fictitious and only utilized to institutionalize, divide and acquire, wealth, control, and political clout that enables transitional social engineering to accept things as they are. Agents of change are never what they claim to be.

CLICK

Trolly, I think I would like to go to lunch. Care to join me?

Micro Truly Lost The Soft

It is too bad that some just refuse to see the greatness I exude. I thought the gasping caesura responses were a result of all recognizing this flawless character of mine. Perhaps I am failing to reach all the worlds attention. It will come soon enough. The pugnacious lemmings at the bottom will never learn. As revenues grow, so too will market exposure. Speaking of exposure, I encountered a charging upward trend that has filled the denial deities with glee. Microlost has exposed that it has no innovative ideas internally and must therefore attack and acquire those companies that are enshrined in true intuitive creativity. As the name implies the lost should be soft. The current hostile takeover bid for Boohoo is a great example of genius leading a giant to slaughter. Doodle has completely spanked Microlost until their sweet corporate butt cheeks are redder than the impending net losses below their ankles as they embrace Boohoo like a group of retards in training. Those rosy red butt cheeks kind of remind me of Gill Skates who once said …great CEOs are out there, you just have to hide from them… circa 1254 B.C. Gill is still hiding from me.

CD
If you chase yourself you fall farther behind those chasing you. Sometimes the light shines brightest in complete darkness. Then again sometimes it only shines in total darkness. Somebody get the lights.

Small Bonus Increases for All

Since most employees, those of the lower expectation levels, the ones beneath the elite, beneath great CEOs such as myself, are voluble in most everything they attempt, it is difficult to keep the ship headed with an appropriate compass and afflatus. They brood and hibernate in the strangest of places, and many find themselves in the same place after 20, 30, or even 40 years. I have often wondered what differentiates their ilk from that of mine. Why would anyone devote the majority of their existence towards building a personal shrine within the suffocating confines of a 6 foot by 6 foot open cubicle area? Perhaps the pictures, comic strips, and other nonsense are survival tools that have been utilized since the discovery of cave men worshiping bear remains and drawing stick figures. Could it be that there is an innate disdain towards work? Certainly the Internet was a useful tool in prehistoric times. MyCave.com was probably the most popular MySpace type cave site. I should probably check in with that Geico commercial guy on this. Yes Trolly, I know, I almost suffocated wearing that tie yesterday. However, I did persuade the board to give me a lucrative bonus of 75 million. It is only 25 million larger than last year, but losses this year were in the billions instead of profits so it is well justified. I did my job and it is common sense. They know that in times of trouble CEOs need more compensation to build a more permanent dock for the ship, plus construction costs for the new addition to my mansion will cost more as prices rise. The subordinate executives need larger retention bonuses too, and the lower minions will be excited as I received board approval to give them each a 2 dollar coupon to Almostgone.com for Christmas. That will cost us a million in cash but I think it is well spent. You know, keep them happy. The board was also very impressed with my new exciting and innovative company Internet initiative. Imagine Trolly, a corporate website where management can send employees notices that they are being fired. Bodily injury and harm risks will be significantly reduced as well as medical and liability insurance costs. Damn it… I think I just wet my pants. Sometimes I get really excited over certain projects.

CD
Sometimes when I look back and reflect I see nothing.

Never Ask

When you are at your most vulnerable or embarrassing state never ask for assistance as you run the risk of letting them know you are just as stupid as they are. Never let them know you are just as lost as they are for they will recognize you as weak. Never ask the lower expectationals anything that appears they are providing you with knowledgeable information as they will sense promotional opportunity or a chance to mingle with a great figure head... What is this strange place? I feel as though I am in a box, a very confining box, as though I am being controlled and suffocated. I hear others around me. They sound just as confined and air restricted. Why am I blindfolded? If only I could get too Trolly. I smell coffee...

CD
Sometimes your cubicle is like being in Wal Mart. Not life altering but simply lifeless. Enjoy it.

A Happier Place - You Must Feel Good

True joy comes from being rich and elite. Today I am overjoyed knowing that the ruling order will begin to reclaim its just place through ostentation to the groveling lower expectational masses. The elation I, and my fellow wealthy beyond any meaningful needs friends, will feel as price hikes begin to trickle down to those who should rightly continue to whine and pay for our style of living, will pump their cash right out of their pocket books and into my numerous cash accounts. The great CEOs such as I will go unscathed yet again as lawmakers realize if they come after us the process will bear out that they were just as sinister as all of our self righteous forefathers of wealth and nation building. Hike the air fares, raise the prices across all goods and services, push the limits in all ways possible so the ones affected become numb with total financial devastation numbness. There are vast amounts of money to be made and new public relations gimmicks just waiting to be implemented. Some have been taking advantage prematurely which will cause a minor divide within the circle of the wealthy but all inside the circle know that the band wagon to jump onto is the green wagon. Oh how we will push ourselves upon the lower expectationals with the feel good fodder that we are ever searching for ways to recycle or discover new Earth friendly resources. Why we even send out letters asking them to sign up for donations on their billings to help us find these wonderful things that will prevent the universe from warming the Earth like a hot branding iron that will melt your being until your bones boil like scalding milk. But it is working! And we have the media on our side though it appears they are on the side of the common schmuck.

I love the media as they portray themselves to care about all of the various causes, the disdain they cloak themselves in when covering a disdainful story, and their ability to stir up the masses by saturating themselves like vanilla extract poured into the ingredients of vanilla wafers and then crushed and sprinkled over vanilla flavored ice cream. How they scour at extremely rich and powerful elites such as I. Oh the shear ignorance of the lower expectational classes as they think those holding the cameras and microphones are truly on their side and providing them representation. Imagine if the lower expectational could experience the sudden brightens of a new light bulb being turned on in their simpleton and tiny craniums. How much exposure light would illuminate the fact that those holding the microphones and the cameras are more in bed with the great and elite rich ones such as myself as they continue to excrete their hypocrisy. What is in their wallets? Is not that the question asked by Capital One? It is so humorous when you see the play on words that is perpetrated to the minions. They are subliminally calling them Capital Nones (or should it be Nuns) as they suck them in to corporate enriching credit agreements that provide addictive impulse spending behavior that lines our bank accounts with the riches of some Saudi prince or king.

Yes, I am in a happier place. I wonder how Trolly is doing. I suppose we should prepare for the impending religious onslaught. Now there is a money making opportunity and a nice way to get away with things financial.

See you at the Wailing Wall or is it the Great Wal of Mart?

CD
Marketing 101 - sure sex sells, but guilt and feel good causes sell more. Join the causes and be a follower. It makes leaders rich.

A Happy Place - A Quick Lesson

Go fuck yourself you twisted tulip duster! That was the last thing she said and the last time I ever saw her. Of course today I know she never was real but the voices still reign prominently in my head. It is what keeps me burning, this never ending desire to dust tulips. I guess elitism has its costs and consequences. Some people just can not hang with greatness. So what is wrong with dusting tulips? At least I am not trying to destroy the planet by becoming a vegetarian. I mean study after study has proven scientifically that vegetarians emit 30,000 times the level of caustic gases compared to those who eat meat, poultry and fish along with vegetables. None of the founding fathers of the greatest nation on Earth were vegetarians. And all were known farters. Benjamin Franklin loved to smell his own farts. This is a known fact that was found in one of his first farmer almanacs. George Washington lied about many things but finally confessed to eating duck, cow, trout and corn husks at the same sitting. All one need look at is the simple horse and cow as an example. Both exists on a vegan diet only. Neither eat humans, nor themselves. So if we fed them cell phones and oysters maybe their phone sex lives would improve but what about the left overs? I hope this little lesson has served a purpose of guidance for those of you clamoring about below your sea level capabilities. Sure you will harp about four dollar a gallon gas, how sad your existence seems, how lonely you are, the terrible atrocities of war that is being orchestrated in the middle east, and the need to do things that are Earth friendly. Only the truly great ones, such as myself, seem to grasp that the truly Earth friendly events are those that are borne of cataclysmic deus ex machina so that we view things as they are. How else could you function in a happy place?

CD
Everything is as it appears unless you are you.

Abandonment and You

Ever feel abandoned? If you answer no to this then think again. According to a recent study by and at the AMPC (American Medical Psychologist Center), located in Drain, Oregon, those who experience feelings of abandonment perform better sexually on the job than off. In a study involving 1 undecided voters 10 percent lost their libido without trying, 20 percent perpetually humped the copier machine, and a whopping 50% screwed themselves over or out of a promotion, and the remaining 20 percent remained undecided but verbally castigated any who dared agree with them. The results are not clear as to what this means for decided voters. However, if the same undecided behaviors are transcended, with no correlation to whether one is a decided or undecided voter, then sexual polarization would be feasible. Dr. Ideebiddy Penisk clarified that just because one feels abandoned does not necessitate random reactionary anal fissure flare ups across the voting demographics, but quite the opposite. Most fissures are caused by normal intercourse between the political targets or candidates. The trajectory of this diabolical issue points straight to the facts of the study. The end result is that those with any level of abandonment mortification actually experience stronger pathological associations of jollification knowing that those who are without it are screwed up, screwed out and screwed over, just the same as they themselves are. In layman terms, no matter who gets what, in the end that is where most will take it. The rear end that is.

CD
Sure you can, but then what?