Helpful Tips From The Greatest CEO Ever

Since I am the best of the best then one of the greatest things I can do is pass along tips now and then to help the lower expectations to achieve minimal success in their corporate endeavors. Here are some simple but effective things you can do to make all of the executives achieve greatness, excessive and unwarranted bonuses that assure the masses business is being conducted as usual, and promotions that truly bring in the dough.

1. A very efficient way to challenge yourself and take advantage of a liberal sick leave policy is to mix a teaspoon, or two, of Comet or Ajax in with your coffee. Though it may add a light acrid taste to your beverage it also expedites that inevitable need for a nice relaxing day off to get a well deserved colonoscopy. Take home photos are available upon request and most corporate health plans cover the procedure. Plus, the side effects of the elixir will provide you with a few relaxing days away from the office.

2. One of the best things you can do for management and possibly your coworkers is to just shut the fuck up for the whole day (or your whole work life cycle). Why open your trap and say anything? No one wants to hear your shit anyway. Go easy on yourself and your coworkers. Surf the Internet, email stupid jokes, photos, and make new contacts on chat lines. Be sure to check with your HR department to make sure they are aware that you are doing this. This will possibly provide you with a few days away from the office but with more healthful benefits than item one above. Besides, who wants the whole organization to know you had a colonoscopy? Schmuck.

3. Another great stress reliever is to abuse your chair until one of the legs collapse. If done properly you may get extra benefits by banging your chin on the desk as you tumble to the floor. This benefits yoru coworkers too especially if you have to get your jaw wired shut. If done expertly, but only if you are located on a second or third floor, you could even make it a truly great learning experience as well as a nice time off package, and even possible entertainment for the whole office. Launch yourself down the stairs while seated in your chair while feigning you were moving the chair to a new location on the next floor down. This works best if you launch back first. The best upside on this venture is a potentially sizable payoff from workers compensation that goes beyond just medical bills. Plus, if everyone is luckier than you, you will never return to the office. You do not have to hear their drivel and they do not have to tolerate your existence. Plus you might get sympathy votes during the next hiring period. Who said the good ole boy system is dead?

4. Have kids? Exhausted? Asking yourself why did you ever think having kids would be a great thing? Finding yourself wishing you could just have a Saturday to yourself or that you could volunteer to go on a business trip without worrying about ungrateful humidgetroids? Well do not fret any longer. There are many free, or inexpensive, 24 hour, weekly, monthly, total flexible care takers available that most employees never even realize are just around the corner. It does not matter the age of your precious little societal deviants, the experiences and life lessons they can gain are invaluable. Yes, you can now tell management you are available at a moments notice. All you need to do is pull up to that shopping center, public park, or urban center and drop off the little weenies with any homeless person that has that special glean in their eyes. If they are staring up at the sky aimlessly yet holding a discussion with whatever they are looking towards the better it is for the well being of all. This is a great social program that instills self worth for the homeless person, and provides some self actualization for both kiddies and homeless that things are pretty fucking great as they are. I always looked for those with nice heavy army jackets in case the weather turned colder than anticipated.

5. Got scissors? Use them. Any location on your body will do. Take one for the team. This will help get everyone off for at least a day. Provide great office conversation. Make many feign that they are truly concerned with your meaningless existence and just might get you some sympathy gifts, if not a little bonus yourself. Plus, upper management will notice you tremendously. After all, you just got them free advertising on all the major media networks. Your famous!

I hope these few tips are spot on for what ails most. I have had to utilize each one over the years. I have to say I would not be the great CEO that I am had I not. Consider this my good deed for the month to those of you who live for lower expectations than your annual performance appraisals.

CD
Sometimes if you try really hard you can fail more and still feel good about it.