Voting for Voting Sake

I want to point out something to you with much emphasis. Just because your vote doesn't matter doesn't mean you shouldn't vote. Voting should come to you as though it were an embedded instinct no different than drinking water. You have to understand that your vote is a brave and bold statement that impacts nothing. It has nothing to do with how we are to be socially engineered over the long term. You will be taxed, hopefully at higher rates for the middle class and less for my class (I need something to celebrate during these dire times for the non-rich). I'm sorry, did I say middle class? I have been out of step with the lower classes for so long, enjoying my powerful status that I achieved by drinking coffee from my Corporate Dick coffee mug and wearing my comfortable Corporate Dick casual shirt, that I don't even know if a middle class exists today. So if it doesn't, please insert the word "poor" in place of middle where appropriate. Now where was I, oh yes, your vote has no impact on what will happen with the Iraq war or how many sexually transmitted diseases CEOs will contract in the future. I kind of thought Tommy Wilson there at Allstate looked like he was feeling discomfort from crabs when he was addressing the nation during the Ohio State/Louisiana State BCS game. I know how those buggers can itch at ya. Go Tommy! So your vote doesn't matter but you still need to vote so you can complain with all the conservative liberal blather that makes you feel that your existence matters. That you are part of something larger than yourself before you get lonely. That you are doing something for the greater good of nothing even though nothing matters.

CD

Monday Slugs

As I sit here pondering my next topic, drinking my luxurious CEO tea from my luxurious and prestigious CEO Corporate Dick coffee mug, I realize how fortunate I am to not be those of you who are not of my elite caliber of posterity. Most of you think that CEOs such as myself are to be hated simply because we are CEOs. What the nimble heads that sensationalize my wealth to my performance don't convey to you who have to work for individuals such as I, is that we, CEOs, have to make the tough decisions even though we hire lackeys to do some of our unpleasant work. We call these lackeys Management, aka Directors, Managers etc. (not executives such as Vice Presidents as they do almost as little as us CEOs). These lackeys then hire their own lackeys (called Supervisors) to do most of their unpleasant work so that they can relax some and enjoy performing their ineptness for the company's benefit. Do you see how we came to the point of "out sourcing"? It appalls me when I am confronted by one of these lackeys who simply can't take actions to perform their duties on their own initiative without me having to tell them to do the particular action. So weak are these types that I know instantly they are not "executive" level material and need to be replaced. If you as a manager are over budget because you don't have enough dollars to cover the year then you simply need to reduce your labor force. It matters not what the story is other than if you are over budget you have not done your job. Take some pride in destroying someones present for pity's sake. And so it is that when our organizations do terrible it is the CEO who gets the complete brunt of being the bad evil one who ruined lives, so why shouldn't we get millions upon millions, a company jet, parties paid for by the company and platinum parachutes? It's tough mingling in the country club showers and letting one of the other CEOs snap my rear with a flick of their towel. Sure most of them are butt slamming homos, but that doesn't change the fact that they like money, lots of money. Too bad most of them focus more on picking up the soap from the shower floor than trying to really hit that little golf ball. I really hate a lackey who tries to act and hang with my caliber of class. They never win the soap in the shower game. Though our kids are just as screwed up as theirs doesn't mean we have much in common. I usually make more than 500 times what a lackey makes in a year. I just wish my fellow shower mates would try steam bath yo yo games and that new aloe soap.

CD

Executive Summary

As we begin this new week let us reflect on our last weeks major events that significantly, and sometimes severely, determine every element of our lives, if not our existence. As all will recall major newsworthy items occurred over the prior week. Britney Spears decided, or rather made the personal choice, to continue like an inebriated girl and not a woman of her own stature and had an apparent chaotic event, and tangled with one who wields more authority and power than herself. Though I do love it when individuals remove themselves from being competitive and make themselves an easy target for all types of personal embarrassments, However, because she did not represent herself appropriately she now causes all of us to suffer the consequences of her actions. She caused a levee to break in Nevada causing almost 4,000 to evacuate their homes, Democrats and Republicans could not deal with her impacts and felt compelled to act in similar fashion as Ms. Spears and exchanged compliments amongst each other. National Treasure remained as the number one box office motion picture of which the far reaching impacts of this to America has yet to be fully determined. 800,000,000 more Americans, not yet born, visited their doctors to request Viagra and Zoloft so that they could deal with the mature behavior of Ms. Spears over the next millennium. As politicians tossed their mature pot shots across their extremely wide births, Walmart lost a critical court case that will remove their ability to avoid paying taxes on tax shelters that shelter taxes for entities that do business via legitimately structured transactions that avoid taxes. To top it off the financial markets remain in turmoil, the greatest president to ever live remains mathematically, grammatically, geographically, and mentally challenged to deal with the rising price of oil around the globe while China positions itself to change it's name to Wang Wong Mart. Only the wisdom of Lindsay Lohan, Ms. Spears, and Dr. Phil can help change the misfortunes that most likely await us in the following week of news worthy news. As a CEO I am finding it difficult to determine the exact markets to further exploit so must get back to reading my Wall Street Journal.

CD

It's Tough Being a CEO (this weekend)

I am riddled with much indecision. As a CEO during such grave times as the current financial markets tumble, fall, and crash, I find it quite difficult to decide where to go out for dinner tonight. I seek something that traverses the current state of affairs into my palatte and appetite. A nice steak dinner with a fine hearty red wine? Or should I just go for the poverty struck salad ala carte blah none? It bothers me to no end that institutions such as Goldmen Sucks, Bare Terns, Organ Hamley et. al. Miss Represent current affairs so as to enrich their own silver linings around much gray matter. No doubt this will cause me to have to defend my personal salary, bonus and other special compensation packages. You have to ask yourselves, Why do they ply us with such toilet paper? Why would they constantly, and cyclically, spew such derogatory negativism that everything is looking suicidally dreadful? Could it be they don't want me to enjoy a fantastic steak dinner? Are they trying to secretly let me know that the hearty red wine is tainted? Or are they spinning such webs of folly solely to demolish the price of our stock so they can acquire more shares at unspeakable low prices?! Perhaps they are trying to cause me to layoff many employees. Why would any entity try to drive our stock price below zero? We have struggled so hard to get our stock price above one dollar that it befuddles me to no end. Hey, I heard that Sean Penn's wife filed for divorce. Wonder if Spicoli could score me some row for me to delight my appetite. You didn't think I'd go for salad did you?

CD

Emptiness

After looking at my Wall Street Journal today and yesterday, and seeing the sad broadcasting of the ever exciting and enticing Iowa caucus, my heart is filled with an emptiness. I feel numb and am finding it difficult to write today's critical thought. I am going to miss the current monarchy that is presently in place. Such a fine friend of the common man. I almost thought about starting a faith based brothel and crack house so as to not leave any employee behind. My thought here was that this would help us all get through the tumultuous times that our great national CEO has steered us towards. As a CEO I strive everyday to live up to the high expectations of the ruling class at any moment so our organization will remain ever vigilant and agile as we globalize to meet the challenges we create for ourselves. We must remember that Iowa is just one state out of supposedly 50 and they produce a lot of corn. If it weren't for Iowa our regular TV programming wouldn't have been interrupted. On the bright side though we have a fantastic cast of characters that will comically keep us entertained throughout the debacle. Comedy is a great element to have during recessions and depressions. So is Xanax, Prozac, marijuana, heroin, cocaine, and alcohol. We all must realize that collectively, we can all achieve perfect functional dysfunction. Perfect functional dysfunction is not just for erectness.

CD

Miss Management

I am tired of Miss Managements lack of compunction for the continuous attempts to wreak havoc within my organization. The complete Miss Representation of my successful failures, as though they were institutional components belonging to Miss Managements’ single source of effort, is solely attributed to Miss Representation, not Miss Management. I would rather compel myself inside Miss Representation than to align the organization with belligerent Miss Management. We all make out with our handling of Miss Takes’ heavy chest of indulgence. Sometimes I feel Miss Appropriation is getting in my knickers. Why does everything seem burdened with the tolerance of Miss Guidance? Perhaps Mr. Kucinich could enlighten us.

CD

Corporate Health Costs

As a CEO I find it incomprehensible that our corporations are being gouged by the health care insurance providers. How dare they now champion that obesity and not smoking is the major cause of health care concerns. My fellow CEOs let us band together and institute a plan that will truly affect our health insurance costs, and at the same time benefit America. We all know that smoking prevents obesity and that death removes that marginal cost of health care. We need to promote to our employees the importance of smoking and especially the need for them to die at the earliest convenience. As we eradicate longevity so too will we eradicate the need to deal with non productive citizens who drain our social and economical resources. I want a new smoking policy reviewed immediately. I just don't get it. The longer people live the more they will burden our health care system which can only cause costs to increase. Thank God oil has hit the $100 per barrel mark.

CD