You are not sine qua non

I shall start this extempore as I always do. Something is wrong. I can feel it to the core of my bones and being. That is the pleasure in all of this distasteful discourse of business measures. I have to review everything when I fly to my office in Seattle. The corporate jet is so effusive. When I first discovered my own superfluous personality I immediately reverted to my pre-ethical period. It is this period that I truly rose to all occasions presented to me as I climbed to my pinnacle of magniloquent status I so enjoy today. I achieved this status by utilizing my supererogatory might that was passed on to me by my illegitimate grandfather Wattson Yerplate. He would always point and wave his right index finger at me and state “you’re not a sine qua non, not a sine qua non.” I just thought he’d had a speech problem from yet another mini stroke. It was usually during these exciting moments of my life that my father would barge in and beat me within a couple million shares of my trust fund. As I was saying the light flashed brighter than usual at my waking this morning, and the formations began to take shape as my neurons collided inside my aberrant menagerie of ennui, brought on by the everyday brash with that dissolute virago we all abominate with their lubricious behavior that relegates us towards the state of amative ersatz. Sure it sounds or reads like Alka-Seltzer but there is always something else. Never live in a world where your truths and denials are one and the same. You’ll just find out much sooner that you are not indispensable and never achieve your measure with the aplomb you possess.

CD

The Fish with No Scales

It is a great day. I am currently lithium challenged. I think most believe CEOs, the truly great ones such as myself, only pander simple thoughts within their massive craniums of genius. The following should provide much insight into just how complex, confusing, and insane their true critical thoughts are. Their minds are filled with somber, serious, urgent, comical, light, deep, dark, combusting matter that starts as chaos the moment they awake. It is then melded into some form of substantive and sensible rationale, contrived, construed, stretched, and reshaped during their wake state only to be re-subjugated back to chaos when they retire later that night. Yesterday I, the bon vivant CEO, was unable to post due to crises regarding a new Corporate Dick conference table purchase. One of my top advisors questioned my choice. Normally I would have simply dismissed them to their proper rung on the corporate ladder, but somehow I heard what they were saying which caused my distraction. It was during this exchange that my mind wandered off, as it normally does, for I am a critical thinking CEO, to a realm of clarity regarding those alepidotes that roam among us. They will align themselves as if a trustworthy present or erstwhile fiend (yes fiend no letter r intended) of another all the while denying their cohorting bracketology methods that cast exploitive teratomas about your being. They will silently lapidate you through a multitude of physical and metaphysical means. Great CEOs will weed them out like a ferret hunting its prey. You can train yourself to identify them by purchasing my book, How to Catch the Elusive Alepidote. I am also in process of co-authoring a new book, Alepidote Fishing for Dummies. Alepidotes in the organization often feign themselves to be of a temerarious nature serving up false platitudes. As I have identified in my elements of a corporate dick brief, the reality is a nature that is one of shallowness, not to be confused with likeness. So if that oddball individual who use to never give you the time of day suddenly starts hitting you up for small talk, attempts to saddle up to you as though you are best friends forever etc. be forewarned. There is most likely an agenda being played. Read your keys (not the house keys etc. that say “do not duplicate”). Always ask why type questions. And most of all, whatever you do, stay ever paranoid and try to advance down a rung or two every now and then before you jump. I have to go refill my lithium prescription and toss Oregon sunstones to the corporate Gods of destiny, a faith based initiative.

CD

P.S. I forgot what I was going to P.S.

CEO Random Tip to Trip

During times of uncertainty it is important to remember nothing. Stay clear of those involved with vanity, self absorbing activities, and self promoting ideas that supersede your own intellectual capacities. These are collectively known as threats from high maintenance employees. There are many costs associated with these types. You may need to plant secret service investigators to weed them out. Once the investigators identify them to you, promote them to positions that reduce their cost. Whatever you do, plant your garden before treating it with chemicals. This will alleviate the false paranoia that is real. Once this is accomplished you are ready for the true enterprise of CEOdyssey. You are postured to cast blame away from your shortcomings to others. Damage Control is a nice way to live. Rule number something - Be a Victim.

CD

P.S. Keep a list of importance somewhere.

One Strategy

There are so many things to discuss with plenty of time available so I will keep this brief. Have a great day. Remember, on Mondays one must always look over their shoulder. This will make everyone think you are aware of more than you need to be. It is recommended you not use the phone, drive, or operate machinery while implementing this highly ineffectual strategy.

CD

Critical Thoughts of Eternity

Some critical thoughts of uncertainty:

Why is the girl scouts not held to the same homophobic standards as the boy scouts? Have the results been tallied now that the cookie sales are done? Girl Scout cookie sales can be a leading indicator of how the economy is doing. It can also be a barometer of the psychological state of the general populous.

Boy Scout sales continue to remain at zero. This is a good economic indicator that the auto industry is still not being innovative. The significance of this is not fully known. It does enlighten us as to the reality that their CEOs are of a text book composition.

The financial leaders are starting to say we are in a recession so I have to type faster and use fewer words.

There are some significant differences between Hillary Clinton and Barack Obama. This was obvious from the debate last night. Hillary is a female and Barack is a male (this means one is with and one is without). Barack is tall and Hillary is short. Hillary is stocky in stature and Barack is tall and slim. Hillary has a higher pitched voice and Barack has a lower pitched voice. I think that this fairly identifies the significant differences between the two.

Both possess some good CEO talent as is evidenced by their plan to fine you if you can’t afford to purchase health insurance. This is great leadership. Sometimes we deserve the results we do not want. Group think stimulates eternally.

CD

Total Lunar Eclipse

This morning, after last nights total lunar eclipse, as I entered Nemesis One, I noticed a fellow CEO and close friend was not watching his usual Fox news channel, instead he had the channel on CNN. I inquired “why are you watching CNN?” to which he responded “oh the Fox channel has news on”. I still ponder the real meaning of this given his superior intellectual capacity. Could there be such a thing as intelligent retardation? It's nice not having a chance.

CD

Vival La Castroation

Well at last! Our reasons to be afraid are now over!! Fidel has resigned. He has a nice condo in Naples, FL. Fidel has been a great CEO. Not as good as George W. Bush, but close. Let us meet him at the fellowship of convenient truths and set sail on a great dream of never ending consciousness that keeps us forever in the times of troubles. You know, kind of like voting in Florida.

CD

Presidents Day

Today is the day we celebrate the continued promulgation of perpetual institutionalized sovereignty within the constituencies of tremendous wealth building at the expense of the masses who are given great hope and aspiration to achieve as much as our leadership provides them. May you all feel infectious in your pursuits of freedom while continuing to push your beliefs and opinions on others who are always wrong when you are right (which means you can’t be left if you are right).

To the bush! Let us prey.

CD

Countrywide Financial - The New Excellence

Every now and then a great example of strong CEO leadership comes to us in the realm of performance review. Countrywide is just that entity for this example. The new excellence rating is based on how steep a company's stock price is charted over time. The steeper the downward (death spiraling) slope from left to right the greater the excellence rating for providing and strengthening of low expectations to the industry, the psychological state of the investing public, the weak confidence of the economy in the minds of households, and the subsequent actions taken in times of financial crisis to right or sink the ship.

As most know it is now Bank of America who must take the heat for the new excellence that Countrywide built. Bank of America has taken a very strong leadership of new excellence too by freezing withdrawals from home equity lines of credit. This excellent move ensures that an illusion of credit tightening has been implemented so that more households who handled their financial affairs much more soundly and responsibly, and who are actually held accountable, will now be unable to possibly manage through that small financial crisis. As the greatest CEO of all time I see the wisdom being implemented by these profound companies to attain the highest new excellence ratings. It almost makes me weepy to see our vast legacy of conglomerates strong arm their own customers to the brink of complete failure in their personal quests of achieving nothing. The only thing I wonder about is will a family choose to pay for food for their brood in lieu of their home equity line of credit or even their mortgage. Much food for thought. It does appear that Citigroup is taking similar new excellence approaches. Bravo!

CD

Oh Clementine

Hello my fellow corporate citizens. It is with extreme prejudice that I unbiasly bring to your attention a fine example of what is true CEO material. The person comes to you today in the form of one Mr. Roger Clemens. What more fine example could there be? I thought it was only a game.

Take me out to the ball game....

CD

Notable question: What is the offense, to the law, of lying to liars who write the laws?

Virginia Primary Recap

Hillary Billary Dock

CEO Love Poem

Roses are green
Violets are green
I smell the scent of money
You know what I mean

CD

Never Underestimate CEO Perception

This is a very critical thing for all to keep at the center of their brain. No matter how feeble or keen your brain might be. A CEO always knows exactly what is going on. They will strike back in kind but will never forgive when it is discovered self absorption exists amongst the troops. Remedies will be metted out expediently. Those who choose to play tempest with a great CEO will regret doing so. This is why you need to always strive to be free of Managementally Transmitted Diseases (MTDs) and the infestations or manifestations they cause. Go here and buy something to ward off the MTD karma from inside your home or office. It will feel good to smile again and feel at ease. Much tempest activity has been going on all over the country the last few weeks and it's time to take cover. My attache of CEO alchemy is about to be unleashed to ensure protection is available. These are times of trouble (Alcatel-Lucent took a 3.65 billion write-down and issues a sad sorry state of affairs regarding the remaining months for 2008). Perhaps Alcatel paid too much or their name says it all? I sense a violent windstorm of payback is forthcoming. No doubt Alcatel CEO Herman Jacobs will no doubt have a red fanny after showering at the country club this weekend. I can just hear the jokes, snickering, and the snapping of towels as the whisk his gregarious behind. To the showers of shame! What type of pudding do they call it at Harvard? I reiterate the importance of going to The Store and buy MTD proof products that will bring you protective karma. You'll be amazed. As I have said before there is nothing better than drinking coffee from a nice Corporate Dick coffee mug.

As for Mr. Jabobs and Alcatel-Lucent? Let the filings begin! Sounds olympic huh? Torch please.

CD

Sometimes Repeated

Sometimes late at night when it is daylight I get confused and wonder what it all doesn't mean. Scientifically speaking, the power of CEOs are equal to similar circumstances even when a straight line is the longest distance between two points.

CD

Economic Fears

Today, the second day after Super Tuesday, and the coffee in my Corporate Dick coffee mug tastes much better than usual today. It is difficult to see how the economy is reacting to the realization that the second greatest CEO of all time, George W. Bush, will be leaving his command post. It is no wonder though, that this would cause a recession, if not a depression… Since most great CEOs are an unwilling participant in the witness protection program much is not allowed to be discussed publicly. The markets are demonstrating astounding concern if not fear that the departure of GWB (not Great White Belly) is causing unwarranted economic turmoil. Consumers seem to realize the sound economy under the command of GWB is now at risk with the impending change of command. Stay tuned for breaking news about the new Expletives as a Second Language program.

CD

Bare and Challenged News

It's been a very long day and night. We will resume blandering blithering babble tomorrow. Rather than try to type the summary of this exciting and amazing daze of events, let's go live to Corporate Dick Network News for a bare and challenged recap of the Super Tuesday election results.

http://www.corporatedick.com/SuperTuesday2008.html

Remember, reason exists beyond a season of treason.

CD

Something In The Air

I do not know where to begin. This is probably one of those rare posts where I am somewhat more serious than usual. Perhaps it is a result of watching that super bowl game and seeing what can be accomplished by individuals who don’t listen to the mainstream media that had castigated them as having a false sense of confidence, and not a chance in hell of being in the same league as the Patriots. Perhaps it was just the result of eating chocolate ice cream with pepperoni and tuna fish sauce. Every CEO carries a few good tunes in their heads. The great ones carry them not just in their heads but also within their hearts. It is fuel for battle so they may ever fight the scourge of Managementally Transmitted Diseases (MTDs) and evil in the presence of being so themselves. It is difficult to fight both externally and internally. So with this, and failing to see humor as I normally do amongst the virtual cyberspace horizons, that normally provide fodder and pickles that relish inside brick and mortar conglomerate institutions, I turn to the only show in town. Super Tuesday, where some hopefully seek a voting booth and believe they count. Don’t fear as it is only a temporary feeling. It will go away as soon as you turn on your TV, listen to the news media, or arrive at work. What more could a CEO ask for? I do desire to discuss something that has been distressing my feeble mind. It seems now more than ever we are in need of wresting back our identity. How we do this is very complicated. So complicated is the process that it involves one having to learn how to transport themselves to a place with voting booths, standing in line, showing a voter registration card, getting a ballot, walking the ballot to a booth and then using all the cognitive skills one could ever muster from within and choosing the least worst choice available. So when you do this try to ask these types of questions to yourself. Who of those listed truly represents a sincere voice for the people and who represents the same status quo political shenanigans that have been going on since you were born? Who brings to the table a collective representation of how our nation is and will continue to grow into, and who represents trying to social engineer the masses by legal or religious fear? Do not instantly think legal or religious fear conveys solely republicans for it surely does not. Many of you are wrapped up in a very understandable frustration, anger, and hatred towards the current administration. It is unfortunate if you vote with that coursing through your being as you are half wrong from the start in your beliefs. Things are as they are because of both political parties not acting in your best interest and only acting in a manner that will cause situations to return terrible results in order to finger point, complain and lay blame in order to achieve victory at the voting booth. The politicians know you all buy into this hook line and sinker. Who of all the candidates offering nothing but rhetoric, truly represent hope for change and who jumped on the “agents of change” spin wagon once they realized the theme was the popular thing among the voters? I, the greatest CEO of all time, have finally decided on who I will cast my non-counting vote for. Most should be able to understand who it is by listening to this simple tune that was embedded in my CEO heart long ago… http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=2pGht71KFkY Warning: THIS IS MUSIC.

The short kid with no shirt is Jimmy McCulloch (15 or 16 years old in this video) who later became lead guitarist for the Paul McCartney band Wings. Pianist Andy “Thunderclap” Newman (what a great piano bit huh). Drummer is John “Speedy” Keen. I believe Pete Townshend of The Who is the other guitarist (looks like him and he formed the band). I cannot determine the bass player. Pete Townshend played bass on the LPs.

No matter what keep your false sense of security and confidence. You can do it! So CD will ask the tough question. Will the next president re-institute the military draft? Mmm?

CD

We The People

By now you should start to see that there is no We The People in a presidential campaign. What is becoming evident is that the second greatest CEO of all time, George W. Bush, is being punished for leading in a commanding and strong manner. The snickering fellow must roll on the floor with laughter as we see the final choices that will befall us soon. Of all the things that stand to make GW most pleased are having the Clintons back in the White House. Not that this displays how dumb females are, or how dumb we all are. But rather how easily it is to socially engineer the masses by both elitist groups of Democrats and Republicans, or is that Democraps, and Repugnicans? I see it so clearly. It's being passed right through the populous using extreme emotion and dangling carrots of serious change that will never occur. Yes my fellow beings, this is an election based in "feel good" euphoria and euphemisms. There has always been a silent and hidden religious left that remains steadfast to the same dogma ignorance of the religious right. George W. Bush has provided us with a great cast of dolts to lead us into obliteration with ease. No one even caught on that he set it all up just by being himself and utilizing his strategizing capabilities in such a manner that it's all his fault. So no one is going to have a president named Mitt, vengeful far left idiots who still try to get laid by angry feminists who want to get laid but fear feeling good will try to sling the first penile laden female into the ovary office, while the religious left continue to scratch their heads and ponder if they should vote for a republican named John McCain while the religious right continue to grasp and hold on for dear life to issues that are meaningless at this point in our times of trouble. And then there is the youth card in a young man they call Obama who brings us all the liberal elation that makes third world countries wet their collective pants with glee. Yes if we step back and take a look at what we are going to have for leadership choices one can only summarize it as we are in deed in the times of troubles.

So many like choices of nothing for us all.

CD